Note to Self: Stop Being So Humble (the dark side modesty)
I’m humble. And it’s been getting in the way.
Don’t get me wrong, I do see humility as a strength. But sometimes, I can be too humble.
Maybe you can relate.
Deep down, you know you’re qualified and have something to share. And yet, you hold back. You wait and downplay any praise that does come your way.
And then one day you realize it’s a habit and just part of who you are now.
While this doesn’t seem too terribly bad, things can devolve into a complete lack of confidence and issues in self belief.
At least, that’s what happened to me.
This is the dark side of modesty. And I think it’s pretty common for creatives especially.
So with that, let’s get into it!
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Is Humility A Good Thing? (+ is the ego bad?)
Humility is the opposite of being braggy.
For me, it’s a form of quiet confidence and, generally, a positive personality trait. But as with most things, balance is key.
Because a little bit of humility (in the right places and at the right times) is perfect. But too much of it? Well, keep on reading below for more on that.
So this begs the question, is the ego bad?
I don’t think so.
Unless it’s a loud unchecked sense of self worth, your ego is important and can help you overcome obstacles and develop more confidence.
It’s a part of our humanness.
At least, that’s my view.
Recommended: How to Create An Alter Ego
The Problem With Being Too Humble
Simply put, too much humility can lead to confidence issues, burnout and a lack of belief in yourself.
At least, this is what happened for me.
My modesty went rogue. I downplayed achievements, doubted my skill levels, and didn’t go after new opportunities.
As a cherry on top, I definitely struggle with imposter syndrome as it is.
Humility turned into even more self doubt.
So I didn’t charge enough for my services, I didn’t believe I deserved what I truly wanted and I struggled to give myself enough credit.
My confidence was knocked down and bruised.
But despite all this, I always had a lingering spark — a baseline belief in myself, my potential and my ability to reach my goals.
So if you’re in a similar situation, try to find that spark (you probably know what I mean…that deep down, you know you got this).
Signs You May Be Too Modest
Feeling guilty charging for your expertise (or not charging enough)
Not accepting or downplaying praise
Not sharing big wins or important milestones
Doing things for free (too much)
Feeling like an imposter
Struggling with decisions (or second guessing them often)
Changing your mind often
Constantly seeking validation
Too much people pleasing
Jealousy or creative anxiety about others succeeding
7 Tips to Better Balance Modesty
Ready to stop being so humble with your awesomeness? Epic.
Here’s what I do.
1. Become More Aware of Humble Moments
Awareness is always the first step.
By staying conscious, it’s easier to catch rogue humility in the act and nip it in the bud.
Awareness shines a light on things. So this is a solid first move to lessen humility’s hold on you.
Just be patient and don’t kick yourself too hard when you struggle to stay conscious of old habits.
They die hard, after all.
2. Stay Humble About What You Don’t Know
You shouldn’t be less humble about everything. Because nobody knows about everything.
Plus, it’s way easier to break out of a modesty loop when you’re actually knowledgeable about the thing you’re being humble about.
For example, I make and produce music. But I’ve been pretty quiet and modest about it. I never promote myself and I never feel like I’m quite good enough.
But I do know what I’m doing. So I should work on being less humble.
On the other hand, I have little to no experience running IG ads (for example). So of course, I’ll stay humble here and not exude confidence on the topic.
Recommended: Goodbye Imposter Syndrome
3. Become Less Humble In Baby Steps
Turning down the volume on humility isn’t a single, sudden event.
It’s probably better to do it in small steps. This will make things less jarring and more likely to stick.
So here are some tips for easing into less humility:
Focus on just one thing you’re too humble about
Make a clear and specific goal
Break down that goal into smaller, more manageable steps
Every moment of every day doesn’t need to be a W (go easy on yourself)
4. Isolate Your Cause(s) for Being Too Humble
Knowing why you struggle with too much humility is a great way to overcome it.
By isolating the causes, you create clarity and awareness. This will help you find effective and personalized solutions.
So here are some potential causes of too much humility:
Fear of looking arrogant
Your upbringing
Your environment or culture (for example, humility is common in Japan)
Past experiences
Personal values
Your personality
Low self esteem
5. Stack Your Deck Differently
Environment affects everything. So let’s stack our deck.
When it comes to excessive humility, the context of your life can either make things worse or make things better.
So here’s how I like to stack my cards in a way that helps:
My inner circle
Hang around more people who help me be less humble
My outer circle
Consume more content that makes me feel more confident
My environment
Design my spaces and life in a way that helps
6. Accept Compliments + Opportunities
As you know, actions speak louder. So I’m all for letting your expertise speak for itself.
But when your hard work does start getting praise and unlocking opportunities, accept that jazz!
You don’t need to be loud about it (since a little humility is still good), but you should welcome the attention.
The goal is to accept and believe in your worth and value.
Own what you do (even if you’re a beginner) and believe it when people say “hey, that’s pretty cool…awesome job.”
7. Don’t Get Rid of All of Your Humility
We shouldn’t throw away all of our humility.
Blending confidence with well placed modesty is a fantastic recipe. It’s charismatic and builds trust with people.
So even if you’re a beginner at something, own that title and be upfront about it (this is confidence balanced with humility).
The goal is to strike a balance and not sway too far in any one direction.
Because too much humility can lead to confidence issues and not enough can lead to cockiness.
So, as with everything, balance is key.
Remember, You Don’t Need to Be A Guru
The impact of being too humble is less confidence, stress and a lack of self belief.
It’s a slippery slope with common warning signs like downplaying praise and constantly seeking validation.
While humility can be a good thing, it’s better to find some balance.
It’s also helpful to remember that most people are not in the top 1%. If you’re hoping to reach this mythical place before shifting away from humility, I’d say don’t wait.
As Steve Jobs said, “...everything around you…was made up by people…no smarter than you.”
So carry on, do the things you want to do and stop being so damn humble.
Because even beginners are ahead of people who haven’t even started yet.
Want More? Okay. Here’s More.
